Rejection is not always personal.
So far in this series, we’ve examined the role of our self-esteem as it relates to the way we see rejection.
In any meeting between two people who are total strangers to each other, there are frames of reference and ways of thinking and seeing the world. They have pre-conceived notions of how people should be. Both of you bring all of you into relationships, including your past experiences. For example, many women are turned off by “nice” guys in the dating world and vent their frustrations by claiming that they’re tired of the “little boys” and want a “real man”.
They’ve had negative experiences and depending on how soon it’s been since the last one, they’ll be more likely to reject another guy who approaches them. Meaning, in this case, the sooner it has been since the last negative encounter with a guy, the more likely it is that she’ll turn down the other guy. Why? Because with this last hurtful experience being so soon, she’ll be much less likely to take the risk of that happening again. On the flip side, the more time that passes since that encounter, and as she gets over that, the more likely she’ll be to potentially accept you.
So, when it comes to two people getting to know each other, whether or not it’s a first date or a friendly get-to-know-you conversation, the degree of personal baggage plays a HUGE role in the likelihood that you’ll get rejected or not by that person.
This is not to say that you don’t bear any responsibility in your chances of being rejected. That’s the point of looking objectively at rejections and giving yourself feedback when possible. Sometimes however, it’s not in your control whether or not you’re rejected.
There are always variables in interactions that you cannot control. Even the best daters and the best job interviewers get rejected. There are no perfect batting averages when it comes to human acceptance.
Even the best among us get turned down.
Even the star jock football player got rejected by a girl.
Even the best dating guru had a drink thrown in his face
Even the most seasoned interviewer with the perfect resume had a copy of it thrown back in his or her face.
Fair? Hardly. And rejection can hurt at times. Brutal words hurt. You can be as whole as whole can be, and you’ll get hurt by words spoken to you. But you’ll have the self-worth to brush yourself off and bounce back sooner than later.
What I want you to take away from this is the simple fact that you should never shoulder all the responsibility for rejections. Your only responsibility is to bounce back and think of any adjustments that need to be made to your approach, if any at all. Many times, you won’t need to make any. Sometimes shit just happens.
This also means that you shouldn’t FEAR rejection either. Even if you do get rejected, you can handle the upside. Remember this the next time you’re afraid of rejection. Take the chance and put your best foot forward any time you feel intimidated by taking a chance and putting yourself in the line of fire.
Often, the only way to face the fear of rejection is to face it head on!
For example, let’s say you don’t have very much experience in approaching women. The very thought of doing so is enough to inspire great fear in you. Sure, you fear rejection. I will be real with you, the chances are high that this will happen because you lack experience. But most of all, this is also far out of your comfort zone. This is where the bulk of the fear lives. You may feel you have no idea what you’re doing, even if you’ve read a few pickup artist books. Because you may have read a how-to guide but doing is a completely different ball game than acting. That would be like reading the manual on how to fly an Air Force jet and then believing you suddenly know all about flying from what you’ve read. But you know deep down that experience trumps book smarts in that arena. As well as in the arena of being more social adept in any fashion.
The only way through is by experience. You may get your ass kicked and get rejected in the worst ways imaginable. But you have it in you to take that all in stride. And again, remember, even the pros get rejected.
Chin up, face forward, and achieve what you want. You are worth it!
Leave a comment below and let me know your thoughts!