How We Learn How To Wear Masks in Childhood, and Updates Around My Upcoming Second Book
It’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been working on proofreading, editing, and making the final artistic touches to my upcoming second book. I have a working title now (subject to change) which is “The Value Paradox”. It goes into the differences between what we tell ourselves that we value, and what we really value, deep down in ourselves. It will offer guidance and how to tell the difference between the two, how to deal with values that ultimately don’t serve you, the effects of outside manipulation and how to guard against it, and much more. I also have a new remote freelance contract (non-writing) that’s been just incredible! So, my apologies for being to absent these past few weeks.
Today I want to continue the current theme of the masks that we wear. I’ve gone into parts of the “why” we use our masks, how they serve us, why they’re important for us, and why we should be more mindful of what they are and how we wear them (as they can hold us back).
This post will look at the origins of mask-wearing and how we develop that method of getting our needs met in life.
How Our Childhood Shapes The Kind of Masks We Put On
When we’re born, we’re dependent on our parents and others for all of our basic needs – food, shelter, sleep, etc. As we grow in early childhood, we get less and less dependent on them for our needs. Pretty basic so far. As we get further into toddlerhood and beyond, we learn patterns and ways of getting the attention of our caregivers.
Many times, if I may be so bold as to say this, parents and other caregivers often underestimate how crafty their little ones are when it comes to ensuring their needs are met. They become aware of their boundaries (or lack thereof, in some cases) and devise strategies to at least attempt to get what they think they want. Which is quite often different than what they need.
We really don’t give really young children credit for their strategic abilities when they’re properly stimulated and motivated by a solid purpose – gaining what they believe will make their lives more enjoyable. This includes putting on false fronts to achieve these ends, which includes “wearing masks”. Key word is ‘believe’ – it’s the parents’ job to be the judge of what will ultimately serve the child. Young kids may think candy is pleasurable but it’s really the vegetables that will make them healthier. This isn’t about parenting per se, but you get the idea. Our tendency to rely on our masks in our lives begins in these crucial formative years.
Other outside influences through the years get filtered through the same process – you figure out what works to get your aims met, and through knowing the limits along with some trail & error, you determine which mask is appropriate for the given situation and end goal. You figure out how to behave, what to say, and how to go about getting what you want and need in life. This can be as basic and simple appreciation from others to goals such as getting that first date with that attractive girl in the cheerleading squad, to being the apple of a certain teacher’s eye. You learn which masks to wear at what times to get those aims met.
Provided that you don’t violate any moral standards, this is all perfectly acceptable and normal – nothing at all wrong with that. It’s when it comes from a place of unsuccessfully trying to fill a wide emotional hole in you, for instance, is when it becomes problematic. When we have deep shame in ourselves, or a fundamental lack of regard for self, we tend to adopt methods and masks that try to fill in and make up for these needs.
It's Important to Examine Your Motivations Behind Wearing the Masks That You Do
For example, I know plenty of “nice” people (who wear a mask, or series of masks) to appear extremely helpful to others, often ripping the shirts off their backs to fill their emotional holes. Alternatively, you have “chameleons” – those who are extreme mask wears that change their masks to the person they’re interacting with, in an effort to be liked.
When you put your own self-worth in the hands of others, you will never feel good enough. The masks serve as an extreme buffer against rejection. This rejection is overblown and often misinterpreted in their minds as a fate worth than death, and they’ll wear out their wide repertoire of masks to avoid it. This leads to unnecessary anxiety and make relating to others much harder than it needs to be.
This is the dark side of wearing masks. It becomes a mechanism for avoiding what they irrationally fear the most, versus the natural, healthy practice of survival that it was meant to be. This arises from motivations such as highly traumatic rejection by others, or poor treatment by parents, or another negative events in our past – or simply never learning to genuinely appreciate who they truly are, as they are.
In summary: Everyone wears masks. It’s a perfectly normal and healthy practice to navigate our way through life and get some of our needs met. It’s when the motivations are from a place of lack, or ultimately self-serving ends, that this becomes problematic. In any case, it’s simply a part of our natural maturation through our lives. The main takeaway from this is to get clear about which side of that fence you reside in. Examine why you wear your masks and what you hope to gain from that. If the motivation isn’t from a healthy place, it may be worth looking into other, more lasting ways to address this.
1 thought on “The Real Reasons Why We Wear Our Masks”
Yes, your needs of other people should come from a healthy place.