I’ve been doing a lot of introspection recently about this idea of “masks” that we wear, for various reasons. It’s something I’m delving into, admittedly, out of my own curiosity and frankly, fascination with the topic.
This came about, initially, about 6-7 months ago when I heard about the book “The Masks of Masculinity”. I heard about the book via podcasts and had seen it featured on Amazon. Initially, I disagreed with the idea, and never really thought about it much. At the time, it appeared to be another attempt by some wannabe intellectual who believes men will be somehow better if they become more feminine.
And yet….
Something about the idea struck me as intriguing. A seed was planted in my mind. And when it sprouted just recently, I still had resistance to it. Sure, I had my notions about the idea and the book, and had my initial stance on the whole issue. Even so, it was fast becoming something I couldn’t say “this is a ludicrous idea” to myself about anymore.
So, I made the decision to check this book out. Admittedly, on it’s face, I had resistance. However, I’m a student of self-development, and something was calling me to give it a fair shot. To get a clear idea of what my stances are on different topics are in the personal development and relationship spaces, and have any kind of intellectual honesty, I must entertain ideas that I don’t agree with right away. What can appear to be a pile of dirty rocks can be hiding a real gem that I would’ve overlooked, had I just written it off as just a dirty pile. I don’t think this is the best analogy, comparing the book to a pile of rocks, but you get the idea.
I come into this book, completely disagreeing with its premise.
I came away from it…. still disagreeing with some of its core message, while agreeing with other parts completely, a few of which really resonated with me.
Why masks serve us....and how they can harm us.
One thing I completely agreed with was the very concept of the masks that we wear in life. Both men and women wear masks for various reasons. Appearing favorable to others is an important motivator for our masks. We often think, accurately or not, that if we put on a polished enough mask, we’ll receive things we want and need such as love, employment, an attractive mate, etc. The very art of persuasion is dependent on the masks we wear, and how well we wear them. I believe that this is a topic that should certainly be explored further, and I can do the honors if no one else has. I’ll keep doing some research on this in the coming days, and I will continue to share my own insights on this in the near future.
A concept that the book highlighted to me was the very fact that for a lot of my life, I was wearing a mask that I had felt served me, but was also harming me in a lot of ways. Even today, I struggle with this mask, and this book brought that point front and center in my mind. I have to admit, I did get a bit emotional when I faced that part.
The truth is, the mask I struggle to take off at times is one of seeming needless. It comes from a deep sense of shame about myself and areas where I doubt myself for no reason. This kept others away from me, while outwardly wanting to look like a superman that excels at life. At the time, I didn’t have the self-awareness to see that this made me look like an arrogant, ultra-motivated overachiever that didn’t need anyone for anything.
It did serve me well. It pushed me to get a masters degree, moved up in my career, and on the outside, I ensured that I would have it made. Yet, I felt empty inside. I struggled with a lot inner demons and I felt very empty. This mask was a cover for someone that never really dealt with the damage that the past had done. It resulted in the end of a relationship that I cherished very much, which showed me the damage the mask had done, but at a time where it was too late to undo major damage.
It was these impacts of this mask that pushed me to cast it aside and help other people who struggle with their own issues, including an overreliance on masks. In my case, I felt fundamentally flawed, and if I present an image just well enough, I could prove to myself that I was worth something. No matter what I accomplished, it never gave myself that approval. I was always looking for the next great goal to achieve. I was letting myself accept myself as I was, no matter what I did.
The concept of masks can work to our advantage.
I can’t lie – I still struggle with this at times. But I’m much more aware and proactively work on it now and have made great strides. A “Mask of Masculinity”? Perhaps. I think of it was a mask of weakness posing as strength.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m very proud of what I accomplished. The mask wasn’t all bad. But I have the ability to cast it off, and look at my life as it is with pride and an appreciation of who I am. I take responsibility for the damage it caused and am a better person for having taken it off.
If I can do take off a mask that’s harming me, I know you can too. I’ll be posting more content on this in the near future.
2 thoughts on “The Masks of Life, and Why They Matter”
Yes. Accomplishments in school, job or at sports are not our identity. I was just explaining my son yesterday that you can make your body like a body builder. But that’s not you from inside. Even beach body doesn’t represent who you really are. It is much deeper. It is not how you look or what you accomplished but how you feel. What self image you have. I have been thinking on stuff like this a lot and improving. Nobody ever taught me growing up nor I ever figured out on my own before. Now that I’ve tools I am pondering and discovering how I didn’t love me. Bc they always say love others. But nobody ever say love you. Self-love rocks.
Every few days I visit your website and read. It is a blessing to me. Thanks, Brett for this blogs and website.
Glad you like the content! I’ll be posting another one pretty soon. Working on my second book and other commitments have been eating away at my time lately. But I’ll be getting back to this site on a regular basis very, very soon.