One key question to ask yourself when you are tempted to give more than usual.
It’s a commonly known fact, at least intellectually, that relationships are about give and take. Both people get a mutual benefit, be it knowledge, an activity of which there is a shared interest, and part of a good solid support system, among other benefits. Amounts of give and take are implied, and while many people understand the basics of this give/take dynamic, often not enough attention is paid to the amounts of what is given and what is taken. This is something that many people are guilty of at some point or another, and giving more than taking or vice versa doesn’t make someone a bad person. Often, people operate from selfish motives, which isn’t necessarily bad, as we all do that.
At many points, we look to our friends for emotional support during the tough times that life hands us. We do what we can to support them, with appropriate boundaries. There is usually an expectation of reciprocity to the support that is given – after all, if I support them, the common assumption is that this will be repaid in kind down the road later. No verbal promise is usually made, but the assumption stands all the same.
Even then, there is no guarantees that your support or charitable deeds in the relationship will be reciprocated. What’s more, is that sometimes more will be asked of you than what was seemingly established. Perhaps they will want favors done that you wouldn’t ask of them, the kind that will pose an inconvenience to you. One question to ask yourself is, “Would this person come to my aid in this way, in my time of need??.” This is a powerful question, especially if you would normally assume that he or she would. Your initial feelings or thoughts based on what you know about him/her and your previous interactions should provide a good metric for a somewhat accurate answer.
The process to effectively handle potential 'takers'.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do good deeds for others, but I am suggesting that you try as best as you can to not give more than you take from your relationships. Often, “nice” people will do favors for others willingly in the hopes that you’ll return the favor later somehow, even if no friendship was previously established. This poses a problem, as we aren’t mind readers. Likewise, others may expect favors from you that will be a large inconvenience to you. This is when you need to ask yourself the question that I recommend above.
If you have the idea that this person wouldn’t do the same for you, based on your perception of his/her character and actions, you shouldn’t do the favor. Somewhere in your mind, you’ll want it to be reciprocated. Even if you playfully joke that they “owe you” (or are even serious about it), they’re under no real obligation to do so. In like manner, even if they pull out all the stops to try to twist your arm into doing the favor, you should hold firm to your personal boundary. If you get the feeling that they’re a decent person who would do the same, go ahead and do the favor if it won’t be too much trouble.
As with all things when it comes to interaction, we have to remain vigilant about our boundaries. We owe our ourselves this, and this fosters self-care and -esteem.
If you’d like to learn more about boundary management and how to improve your relationships and self-esteem, my book “Become Whole” is available on Amazon.
2 thoughts on “Relationships: Watch the Give/Take Ratio”
It is always good to read your article. I’m encouraging my teenage son to read your articles as well.
For me, it has never been a struggle that people will push me to do more. My struggle was people will make me do things in their own terms. They are available when they want to and when they’re it’s in their own terms. Bc I had fear of losing them or I had a fear of disapproval.
There’s a another struggle I had that they want to give me but they don’t don’t want to receive from me.
I’m very happy to hear that my posts are of benefit to you.
That’s a very good topic in itself that you bring up. I’ll have to consider writing something about that in the near future.