An easy-to-read book that provides simple guidelines. The challenge of the four agreements is actively practicing them.
This is one book that I’ve had in my collection for a while. Admittedly, when I first picked up this book, I wasn’t nearly as devoted to personal development as I was. I was still locked in my limiting beliefs, and I felt that while the book had great advice, it was just too difficult to implement into my life. After everything that happened in my life and finding a better, more positive way of thinking and looking at the world, I’ve grown to possess a greater appreciation for what is within The Four Agreements.
This is a pretty short read. My edition has only 138 pages, but they’re very short, and it can be easily read over the course of around 2 hours if you want to devour it in one sitting. I do not recommend you do this. The advice the book gives is simple, but you’ll find that putting it into practice, for a vast majority of people, takes a great amount of effort. Read the book with your mind open and pace yourself. Truly focus on what is being stated.
One thing I greatly appreciate is that it’s a very simple read. There is no complicated jargon and it’s very easy to comprehend. I consider the simplicity of the prose part of its beauty. This makes the agreements easy to absorb and understand.
The advice is based on ancient wisdom of the Toltec, a tribe of people who used to reside in Mexico. This is another part of its beauty – not only is it an easy read, but it’s ancient wisdom that’s passed down to the modern person. We are essentially living in a dream, and our experiences, the way we perceive events in our lives, the messages that we consume (consciously or not), and how we talk to ourselves can make this dream heaven on earth or a living hell.
Don't let it's esoteric origins fool you, the agreements are very practical in today's world.
This Toltec wisdom is distilled into these four tenets – these agreements are key to making our dream (our day-to-day lives) a great experience, and a lack of following them can bring the opposite. Understanding them is the easy part, the work is in incorporating these agreements into how you think and act. You will find that it’s quite the challenge. As always, the work is in the actions.
Before I dissect each of these agreements, I want a couple of extra points. Some reviews that I’ve read have stated that it takes a bit for the author to go into the agreements, which is true. The author does go into the Toltec wisdom and the origins of the agreements, which are very esoteric. This isn’t your standard self-help book that gives you the advice right away. You will have to open your mind to fact that this stuff has origins in civilizations from past eras, like a form of eastern philosophy. Unlike philosophy, it’s not a bunch of ideas, it’s a set of recommendations.
If you find that this is a distraction, and you want to get to the meat and potatoes of the book, you can skip to the chapter that discussed the First Agreement, “Be Impeccable With Your Word”.
Agreement #1 – Be Impeccable with Your Word
Words are incredibly powerful. They have the power to create and the power to destroy. They can be a foundation for a wellspring of love, or it can sow the seeds of great destruction. Always be mindful of what you say to other people because our words hold great weight. This is very easy when you’re in a good mood. Everything is right with the world, and you have plenty of positive vibes going on. The challenge lies in when you’re not in a good mood. Say, perhaps your angry for any reason. This can drive you to say things that you would never think to say, if not for your emotional state.
This is part of the challenge of being impeccable with your word. The book gives a great example of this. A mother arrives home after a bad day at work and is exhausted. Her young daughter loves singing, and as her mom tries to relax, she can only hear the singing. She shouts at her that she has a terrible singing voice and that she should just shut up. This affects the daughter in such a profound way that she never tries singing again for many years. She has taken her mothers word and it shapes what she believes about her singing. She believes she’s a horrible singer, and she never sings again for a very long time, driving a knife into her sense of self-worth. This is one example of how the word can be used to destroy.
It’s easy to fall into a similar scenario as an adult. If someone is rude to you, that could put you in a bad mood. It might even ruin your whole day. All over the power of the word. The author goes into how this can be called “Black magic”. Our tendency to gossip in groups is a great example that is touched on. The subject(s) of gossip can shape our perspective in very negative ways.
Another way that we should be impeccable with our word is how we talk to ourselves. We can take the black magic others give us and make us believe it. We can let the Karens of the world color our perspectives on things, or we can take active control of what we tell ourselves and use our word to build ourselves up. This is crucial, especially if your low self-worth drives you to talk negatively about yourself. Chances are, this is the result of the misuse of someone else’s word, internalized and made into a perceived truth. The spell may have worked, but you can be aware of when you give yourself these messages so you can actively overcome them.
Agreement #2 - Don't Take Anything Personally
This can be considered the flip side of Agreement #1. The first one deals with the words you speak and how they can influence others and the world, while this one deals with handling the words (and actions) of others.
There are aspects of this agreement that I agree with, but minor parts where I don’t.
I certainly agree that you shouldn’t hold any animosity towards anyone for the actions they take. This is because they’re acting over their own perspective, their own “dream”, as the book states. Since we are often approaching life in the same self-centered perspective, we have a strong tendency to take the words and/or actions personally. Someone else’s rudeness is not because of you, it’s because of the other person. I can 100% agree with that.
It’s a powerful, crucial truth to understand – no one is acting towards you, personally. They are acting from their own perspective. They’re moods, thoughts, and actions are from within them. Therefore, it’s futile and a waste of energy to get wrapped in what they said or did. From a perspective of not letting it impact your emotions, I completely agree.
The part that I disagree with is that some words or actions from others have consequences, and not addressing them can lead the perpetrator and others around the conflict to view you as a doormat for letting it go. Sometimes, a response is needed to send the message that it’s not okay to provoke a conflict. It’s about maintaining respect, keeping relationships and reputations intact, and not letting conflicts slide. Often, if conflict is avoided, it just makes it worse.
I agree that emotionally, you shouldn’t take it personally. However, don’t use this agreement to let conflicts slide. Be very careful to not let not taking things personally lead you to accept poor treatment and let conflicts go unaddressed.
Agreement #3 - Don't Make Assumptions
Many of us use assumptions more than we care to admit – I certainly know that this is the case for me. Often when we don’t have all of the pieces to a puzzle, or all of the information to make decision, we’ll make assumptions to make it all make sense. As humans, we only have a tolerance for so much information, and we’re driven to make our lives fairly simple. While this might be great for making decisions (though this is sometimes debatable), it’s not good when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
Assumptions can make our world simple, but it can also lead to ignorance if left unchecked. The author states very clear instructions – ask questions about things you don’t know. Don’t fill in the blanks for other people, make sure you have relevant facts. Assumptions are dangerous in that they can lead to unnecessary stress, and conflicts that can easily be avoided. As we experience live through our own lenses, the power of asking questions and calling our thought patterns into question are powerful tools that are aren’t used often enough.
Going back to gossip, the power of making assumptions is how the “black magic” (the book’s term) of gossip is so powerful. It’s easy to assume our gossiping friend is correct in his/her statements, and this is used to drive our own assumptions of others. Again, the power of asking questions comes into play here. You can question the gossip in your own mind, or even directly question the gossiper about his/her claims. This is by far the simplest way to avoid making assumptions in our daily lives.
Agreement #4 - Always Do Your Best
Pretty self-explanatory. Always do you best in applying the other agreements, or anything else you do in life. Mistakes are guaranteed, but always do your best. Even in my own book, I state that you’ll never be perfect, but if you do your best, then that’s perfectly fine. No such thing as perfection.
The author makes a great point that our best will be different at some points vs. others. For example, your best will be different if you’re angry vs. when you’re joyous. Your best will also be different drunk vs. sober, sad vs. ecstatic, etc. Our best will be different at different times, under different circumstances. Still, always do you best. You deserve that.
The final word on The Four Agreements
These agreements are simple in theory, but the challenge is in applying them. I go back to this book as a refresher from time to time, but my own experience in putting these agreements into practice affirms that these agreements will make you happier and more peaceful. There’s not a lot that I disagree with, and the few points that I do don’t distract from the simple yet powerful advice within these pages.
I do recommend this book to anyone that looking to become more whole and happier in their lives. Check it out!
My rating – 9/10