What being "nice" means, what it doesn't, and why it's important to know the difference.
This is going to be the first of a series of ‘how-to’ posts on this site. Looking at the post I’ve already made, many of them offer up my own insights and offer food for thought and ideas to consider as you move forward in life. While these can be beneficial to a point, it will help you considerably more if I offer up directly applicable advice on how to tackle specific issues. If you’d like me to address something directly, or if you’d like more insight into a specific matter, let me know.
What do I mean when I use the word “Nice”?
In “Become Whole”, I go into great detail on what being “Nice” means, what actions, mindsets & behaviors that indicate this, and how to overcome it to become more “whole”, which is between being “Nice” and being a ‘Jerk’. This is different than being kind and generous, which is something that I encourage you do to be, within appropriate limits.
Examples of “nice” behaviors and beliefs include but not limited to: giving to others to be liked or respected, avoiding all conflict with others, not speaking up when you feel slighted, and not standing up for yourself. It comes down to the belief that being “perfectly good” is the key to loved, liked, and respected by others. Usually, the opposite tends to occur, yet their beliefs that drive these “nice” behaviors persist, and they usually double-down and try to do more of the same when they don’t get the results the expect. A lot of resentment tends to build from this vicious circle and can be detrimental to your mental and emotional health.
Ways you can move beyond being "nice" and gain more respect.
It’s always better to address conflict as it occurs, and if it’s beneficial for you to do so. Just letting things slide to “not rock the boat” or “keep things smooth” usually ends up leading to a lot of frustration, especially in ongoing relationships. You owe it to yourself to not let the car go what it drifts to – you need to take the wheel and steer your life and relationships in a direction where everyone can benefit.
Below are three ways you can move beyond being “nice” and get more satisfaction out of your life and relationships.
Three things you can do to immediately gain more respect for yourself and others.
Address conflict early and often. There are right and wrong ways to do this, of course. You may have heard the saying, “You train people how to treat you”, and I agree with this on many levels. Whether you’re passively letting things slide or if you’re protecting your own personal boundaries, you’re letting people know what acceptable for you or not, on both overt and covert (unspoken) ways. Other resources on this site go into ways to correctly handle conflict.
Practice confident body language and ways of speaking. To be viewed as someone worthy of respect, you must act the part. This sounds simple in theory, but if you’re not used to acting and operating in this way, this will feel pretty difficult and a bit daunting. It will feel like acting and will require a lot of effort, especially if you’re not used to acting in these ways. Walk with your head high and shoulders back. Work on enunciating your words when you speak. Keep practicing and don’t get discourage.
Expect resistance. People will come to see you a certain way as they get to know you. They crave consistency in the people they encounter every day, as this keeps their own life on an even keel. Therefore, even positive changes that people make are met with resistance. They want predictability and sameness in their world. Having someone who was more passive and could be taken advantage of begin to stand up for him/herself is a change in their world and is considered a negative on a very limbic level in their mind. This isn’t rational, but it’s how our minds are wired. Changes in our environments are threatening to our subconscious, even when we know they’re positive and for the greater good. Expect this from others as you change, and don’t get discouraged when this happens. Handle them as best you can with your head held high – it’s all part of the process for positive change.
If you want more information on how to stop being “nice” and move towards becoming “whole” and living a better life, order “Become Whole” on Amazon.com (available in Kindle and paperback versions).