To truly help someone else, you can only show them the way. Beyond that, it’s their choice to follow the path to a better way.
I’ve stated before, in previous posts and in “Become Whole”, that you shouldn’t try to be the savior of other people. If you must help at all, do it from the heart and with healthy boundaries in place.
The purpose here is to state why I highly recommend that you don’t try to go overboard on trying to help someone else.
The reasons why I say this are as follows:
1. You open yourself to being taken advantage of by the recipient. (boundaries issue)
2. You will sense when it becomes a one-sided relationship, which leads to resentment.
3. You will get personally invested in the success or failure of the other person and take on a sense of responsibility.
4. All you can do is show them the path to success. The rest of the journey is on them.
There are many people out there who are looking for a savior, someone to help them become successful in life. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help when it’s needed. Without our modern, always-on internet connectivity, many of us wouldn’t have nearly the amount of information at our literal fingertips. Looking for information is simply using this connectivity in a responsible way.
The problem comes when you reach out to someone for help and seek to put the responsibility of the success or failure on the other person. For many of us in our modern life, it would be incredible to have some savior/helper come along and “rescue” them from their lives of monotony. After all, if someone else can do the work for them, they can also take the blame when someone doesn’t work out as it should. Not to mention, they got someone else to do work for them, and for FREE.
Keep the responsibility on their shoulders.
If someone can manipulate someone else into doing this, wouldn’t that be a dream come true?? Wrong.
It keeps the person in an infantile state. They get to avoid the responsibility and/or the hard work that success and failure requires. They don’t grow; they just want to take the easy way out. You would be helping them a lot more of you didn’t directly ‘help’ them, but simply pointed them in the direction to help themselves.
By maintaining boundaries around this kind of help, you keep them honest and accountable. People go to great lengths to avoid risk and discomfort in life. Everyone wishes for a no risk/high reward proposition in life, but It’s very rare. If folks can take advantage of someone else to get that, they will. This is why con artists do what they do.
Of course, someone doesn’t need to consciously try to con someone to take advantage of a helper. Again, boundaries are key. People can sense when they’re being taken advantage of. ‘Nice’ people hold a lot of inner resentment because of this.
Maintaining proper boundaries are key.
By showing them the way to success vs. excessive helping, you keep the accountability where it belongs – with them. Each person is responsible for his or her path in life. You prevent them from shifting that responsibility to you.
I’m a firm believer in giving back from the heart, while maintaining boundaries about how far my help will go. Unless I’m being paid to coach someone, the boundaries remain up. It’s only fair.
At the very least, direct them to free resources. We live in an age of instant connectivity. If they want success bad enough, they will seek out the information and find the motivation within themselves.