The title of this post may come as a bit shocking to you. Keep reading - it will help you become a better person.
I really am advocating against apologizing. NEEDLESS apologizing. Apologizing for existing. For breathing. For your God-given right to life. For feeling bad for anything you shouldn’t feel bad about.
Apologizing puts yourself in the weaker position.
John Wayne famously said, “Never apologize, it’s a sign of weakness”. In most cases, this is true.
And I do mean MOST cases.
We are taught that, in order to get on in our society, that we should apologize. Of course, there are a few instances where we should. Usually, this is for things that we really didn’t mean to do.
Say, you bump into someone at the grocery store. You really didn’t see them. You should apologize, ONCE, and ask if they’re alright if it’s questionable if they are or not. You goofed, and that’s perfectly fine. Perfect is the enemy of good (whole).
Of course, it’s up to the other person how they react. They may be a complete dick in response or try to make a scene as a knee-jerk response to your accidental mishap. In that case, don’t say another word, keep your head held high, and go on about your day. Don’t give them any more satisfaction beyond that one apology.
People who reflexively apologize aren't doing themselves any favors. They react rather than respond in a way that shows a lack of self-respect.
You can only control what the world does to a point. There are things you can do that can influence how other people react to you. I’ll discuss the mechanics of this in the next blog post.
For accidental mishaps (yes, they can and will happen, and it’s all good), apologize ONCE, and move on. You made verbal amends to keep the wheels of social life greased, you did your part.
For actions done with intent, never apologize. ‘I’m sorry’, is a phrase best kept to accidental mishaps, stuff that you truly didn’t intend to do.
Why do you think ‘jerks’ like President Trump gets away with the controversial stuff he says? Sure, he’s got tons of money, but he also never apologizes for anything. This keeps him in the seat of interpersonal power, for better or worse.
‘Jerks’ tend to have this practice down, but not always. Not apologizing for intentional actions alone won’t make you a jerk, if you’re a decent person at heart.
The key is that by not apologizing for things that you’ve done with intent, you retain your personal power in any kind of relationship. You will not be a bad person for not apologizing for things you’ve done. Even if the other person is impacted. If you feel bad, you probably should’ve thought through your actions more.
Your personal integrity should have a higher priority than keeping the piece or shying away from conflict.
You don’t have to apologize to keep the peace, either. This is just dishonest. Relationships and life are beautifully chaotic. If you find that someone’s favor means so much to you that you feel you must give away your power, you’re being ‘nice’ (in dishonest and manipulative ways). This is an area that needs improvement.
Lastly, I’m not telling you to be a hardass. If you willingly make a mistake, and are ashamed of it, an apology won’t undo the fact that you did it. The past is written in ink, you cannot erase it. But you can make sure you don’t make that blunder in the blank pages of your future. Come up with a process to not make it happen again. That’s how you make amends. Feel the shame, but don’t live in it. It’s okay to make mistakes.
Feel free to leave any thoughts or questions by leaving a comment below!