Let's begin with a brief recap of what I've covered so far.
We continue our series regarding rejection and how to handle that in the best way by providing some food for thought on how to frame rejection to help take the sting out of it. By putting these methods into practice, we can begin to see it for the potential feedback that it could be, and to assist you in becoming more whole.
To recap our series so far:
Part 1 went over what rejection is and how most people view rejection, along with how our level of self-esteem and self-worth plays a large role in how we view rejection and how to use that awareness to our advantage.
Part 2 covered my personal story and how I went from someone who had extremely low self-worth to someone who knows his real value and worth, and how it helped me reframe rejection in a more positive, productive light. As well as using my example to illustrate further how our self-esteem colors our outlook on the rejections we face in our lives.
A healthy sense of self-worth is the key to using rejection to propels us forward!
As I mentioned in the previous post, many rejections are not personal in nature, though it may feel that way when you receive them. We often assume that they are, when in fact, it could have everything to do with the other person. I know of people who have assumed, in a very negative way, that the reason they get rejected is because of some fundamental flaw or flaws with them.
Again, this is indicative of low self-worth. I’ve been there. But the fact is, about 90% rejection is about the other person, as per the 90/10 rule. Maybe they’re super-picky? The dating world is full of people who tend to be this way, and many employers feel entitled to hold out for pink unicorns – job candidates who have unreal qualifications and/or talent. Trust me when I say people get rejected for reasons that have nothing at all to do with them.
Often, you have to decide what to take away from them, if anything.
So, what does this have to do with using this as feedback? Well, sometimes it’s not always a case of using it as feedback. You must take each rejection on a case by case basis. You could have knocked it dead as far as a good job interview, but they we’re looking for someone that was a better “fit” or they simply had someone else in mind prior to seeing you. Consider it a practice round for the next time. Jobs, like dates, like a lot of things in life, are a numbers game.
Continuing the example of the job interview, you could think back to your performance. For example, maybe you talked a little too much about your personal life, and you could’ve turned them off. Looking back at this isn’t to beat yourself up, but to improve for next time. I can tell you I’ve made that mistake when I interviewed and know plenty of people who have. So, you look back and make a mental note to not do that again.
Or, perhaps you’re working with a recruiter or headhunter, and they give you honest feedback. This is not the time to get defensive. Rather, listen with an open mind, and calm yourself down if you feel hurt in any way. This is your own pride and/or lack of self-worth trying to tell you that you can never cut it, you’re no good, etc. This just isn’t true. You’ve been given a gift. One that you must use to be even better next time. This is why feedback is so important.
Often, however, you won’t have an objective third party to tell you what you should know to do better later. Therefore, you must be your own objective eye. This can be easier said than done at times, especially if you tend to get down on yourself. You must be careful not to get too harsh and beat yourself down. No one is perfect, and not everyone scores a perfect batting average in life. Give yourself feedback like you would an old friend that you care for. Some rejections will be especially harsh. It’s important to be your own cheerleader when you do this for yourself. Treat yourself well.
It’s imperative that you have your own sense of self-worth dialed in before you do this. If it’s low, you’ll have a very hard time being gentle with yourself as you attempt to give yourself feedback. You’ll tend to catastrophize everything and paint yourself as a big failure. This isn’t the way to go at all.
Love yourself first, then you’ll be in the best position possible to give yourself the feedback you need to improve and thrive in the future!
Whole people have this down to a science – It’s second nature to them. Future posts will look at ways to improve your self-image so that can help be gentle with yourself.
Know that you are not a failure simply because you get rejected. I’ve been through hell and back, literally, when it comes to rejection. I was convinced at quite a young age that the world hated and that my existence was a bad thing. Everything I did, along with my being, was made to be a fault. This won’t sound like much, but if I can pull myself from that deep, dark hole, I know you can too.
The next post in this series will revisit what rejection is from an overall perspective while taking an even deeper look into the true nature of what rejection is. Suffice to say that, no matter now brutal the rejection might be, it’s hardly ever personal. People can be cruel, that’s for sure. But you’re an awesome person who is on his/her way to becoming whole.
Remember the 90/10 rule – rejection is only truly personal roughly 10% of the time. It’s usually all about the person doing the rejecting.
For now, I’ll leave you with this – You are perfect in your imperfections. Life is a game of improvement, refinement, and charting your correct destination. You are on your way.
Coming up very soon - the first book review! Then we continue to explore how to thrive by using rejections to propel us forward. As always, please leave any comments or questions below!