My experience with rejection and how I've overcame it.
First off, before I go into this, I will give you a short rundown on my personal story around rejection. There are details that are hard to write about, but I do it because I know you will benefit.
I have faced rejection from many people growing up. A serious toll was taken on my self-esteem. It made me believe I was less than nothing, and made me believe for many years that my existence was an error in this world and I had no place in it. It took me many years for me to see what this mentality ultimately cost me, simply because I never learned what it was like to see value in myself. But when I did, I maximized that gift for all it’s worth and now live my life in ways that reflect my self-love.
I spent many years of my life in a dark cloud of feeling like I was less than nothing. With knowledge and insight about my position, I slowly regained my purpose and my life back. I’ve shed old skin and have settled firmly and comfortably into my new skin. I’ve become someone I never thought I could be.
Years in this dark cloud made me into a total “nice” man. Afraid of ruffling feathers, and of attracting the rejection of others. Because, I had faced so much before that any more would seem unbearable, or so I told myself.
First, I had to eliminate my distortions about who I am and what I’m worth. After that, I had to replace that with the truth about the good man that I am and embrace my good qualities and see my weaknesses as things to work on, not burdens to carry for life. Through all of this, I’ve found I can function as a human being in a much better way as I’ve gained my self-worth.
Rejection usually isn't personal. (90/10 rule)
I no longer fear rejection. I see it as something someone does towards me that usually isn’t personal. Yes, I really believe that, 9 times of 10, rejection isn’t personal, assuming that you have a healthy sense of self-esteem and you’re a whole person.
Of course, this means that roughly 10% of the time, it can be. More about how to handle that in a later post. For now, we’ll focus on the 90% where it isn’t.
I firmly believe that there is a correlation between self-esteem and the degree of rejection you face in your endeavors. As a man, I’ll use dating as a great example. Let’s say that you enter the dating pool and you lack self-esteem, deep down. You can fake it in front of potential women that you can match with, but unless you really feel like you have a healthy level of self-esteem, sooner or later the lack will show. She will smell your weakness before long. No one can hide the truth about how they feel about themselves forever. Genuine self-love and confidence cannot be faked over a long period of time. It will come out naturally. And even if she didn’t reject you when faking, she might later if she sees your genuine lack of self-regard.
People are naturally attracted to people who like themselves. If you don’t, rejection will happen more than it should. This accounts for that 10% and can be higher it you don’t like yourself. Remember, this is the portion that IS personal.
What about the 90% that isn’t? the answer is simple. See it for what it is, which can be easier said than done in the moment, I admit. Maybe you interviewed for a job that is the wrong fit for you? It’s a matter of fit, not a statement about your worth. Perhaps you really felt confident when approaching a hot girl and she rejected you? It’s very possible she was in a bad mood and rejected you because it wasn’t the right time. So you tried to make a new friend and this person already feels like he has enough friends? Not your fault.
Rejection can happen to the best of us.
The question you may be thinking is – how do you know if it’s in the 90% that cannot be helped and the 10% where it can?? Just don’t sweat it. If there’s lessons to be learned, then absorb and learn what you must. Otherwise, just take it as par for course in life.
The 90% means wrong place, wrong time – nothing personal. But perhaps, by taking the chance, you could learn something from the rejection to improve yourself? More on that in the next post. Regarding that 10% or so, if you’re already whole and loving yourself, are you really going to want to change yourself to turn the rejection into an approval?? I hope not. If people cannot accept the whole you who genuinely likes himself, they’re not worth being your friends. Again, rejection is a favor.
Coming up, I will show you how you can look at the events of rejection and use them to learn new how to sharpen your skill sets in order to improve. This will go a long way towards removing the sting and replacing that with uplifting messages that will further your personal growth.
Until then, remain whole, my friends!